I find myself at a cross roads this week, two paths diverging in a yellow wood if you will. But unlike the biggest poetic plot twist of the century (it doesn't matter which one you take??), I found myself feeling like it really really mattered which path I chose.
New Years Eve. In my opinion, one of the most overrated holidays known to man. It never lives up to the hype, you spend too much money, build up your expectations of change so high that you could never reach them, and are made to feel inferior if you don't share a kiss with a wacko at midnight. What a weird concept right? Listen, I am all for taking stock of a year, reflecting on your triumphs as well as your defeats. Not resolutions necessarily, because I feel they always make us feel like failures, but rather a momentary realization that becomes foundational for actual change.
Thinking back to last New Years Eve, I am remembering a conversation I had with a few of my closest friends. We collectively decided to forgo the traditional resolution format and instead choose a word; a singular word to pin-point the area in our life we hoped to see change over the course of 2020.
I chose vulnerability... what was I thinking speaking that into life?
This year has demanded so much from all of us. So much of our mental space, finances, anxiety, patience... the list goes on an on. And here is where my paths are crossing. There is a side of me that wants to spend this New Years being angry at this year. Sitting in the camp of "Thank God that's over", stewing over everything I didn't get to do.
But there is another very real part of me that wants to spend this time reflecting on the growth this year brought. The resilience it has built up in me and those around me, the pockets of time that felt so eternal and so sunshiney- those I definitely would not have had without the pandemic. The group of friends that have become my family because we went through this insanity together, bypassing years of friendship development by way of the most stressful year of our lives. A year that somehow, miraculously, I found so much joy in. A year, that I look back on and can honestly say grew me in ways I didn't know I needed. A year that demanded my vulnerability, and gave me peace in return.
Both of these paths are valid, both of these paths are true, and both of these paths I will choose. So take that Robert Frost, it matters which path you choose, and it matters that you choose both. (Poetry people don't come at me this is a loose comparison).
In your pursuit of optimism, don't forget your pain. And in your recognition of pain, don't negate your joy. Happy New Years everyone!
P.S. I made banana bread this week! Why? Because my family is terrible at eating the bananas we buy every week at the store, AND because I got a new KitchenAid mixer for Christmas. Adult-hood really hits when you get excited about kitchen appliances.
Anyways, I used the Allison Roman recipe for "A Better Banana Bread", which it was because it has chocolate in it... need I say more? It was delicious, and definitely more cake than bread, and definitely not what our waistlines needed after the holidays. But alas, I bake when I think. And as previously mentioned, I'm doing a lot of thinking this week. Pro-tip, if you want some baked goods from me, pose me with a recipe and a philosophical question to ponder and I'm all yours.
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