Anybody feeling off this month? Maybe it's just me but it seems like something is awry. Whether that be misplaced expectations for what the New Year was supposed to bring, a frustration with the stagnancy of life right now, or something else entirely; I feel that we all collectively need to breathe. Take a moment wherever you are and release whatever is bringing your life tension, exhale it out (audibly and with purpose) and reset.
Okay, ready?
This last week has been really strange and hard. I started my graduate program again after a massive 6-week break (shoutout to DU for the weird schedule). Which sounds like it would be nice, but turns out 6 weeks is the perfect amount of time to lose any sort of routine you may have established, convenient isn't it? Amidst trying to reestablish some sort of academic discipline, I also started my first Master's level internship at an elementary school. Which for those of you who don't know this about me, I am studying to become a therapist and have a love of working with kids.
Anyways, I had my first day of internship this week and it took me out folks. Who knew that as you become a more qualified person, people suddenly expect a lot more from you? It's a very strange and off-putting thing and I'll admit I'm not quite on board with it yet. Throughout a day of being asked what my theory of conflict resolution is, how I will communicate with parents, what my personal belief on autonomy in the therapy room is; I just wanted to shout, "I DON'T KNOW". Hasn't it occurred to these people that I am not actually a therapist yet? Who has decided that I am a qualified person to help students emotionally connect? I am barely emotionally connected on my best day. Imposter syndrome is a very real thing people, and I'm positive that every person reading this has looked around a room and said to themselves,"What am I doing here?".
Well, here's the secret people, I am totally convinced this is true so don't even try to argue with me on this one...
Nobody knows what the hell is going on.
Nobody, not one person can say that when they started (blank), they knew exactly what to do. We are all just people crashing into things blindly in the dark and at some point learning what things are good to crash into and which aren't. Let that peace wash over you right now. Yeah, sure, maybe you don't know what you are doing, or why you are doing it; join the club. You are not alone, and here's another beautiful truth; you will figure it out. Speak some of that goodness over yourself.
We are all just faking it until we make it. I have started simply pretending like I am a really good therapist, walking into the room like it's something I do every day, and not letting anyone else in on the fact that I am terrified. So much of life is living in a truth you may not fully believe yet, that doesn't make it a lie, it makes it a declaration.
Faking it until we make it doesn't just apply to jobs or career endeavors. For example, I choose to fake it and live a mental life of owning a bakery/cafe in Florence, where I bake Italian pastries and drink espresso all day, just to go home to my luxurious two-bedroom apartment that I share with my equally Italian loving best friend. Yeah, we host dinner parties with our very cultured Italian friends, get in lively debates over art and food, drink a lot of good wine, and travel solely by vespa.
Sounds nice doesn't it? While that is definitely not my current reality (pan to picture of Littleton, Colorado). Part of it could be, which is why this week I decided to fulfill part of my fantasy life and make biscotti. Which are essentially a twice-baked Italian cookie, perfectly crafted for dunking in hot coffee, and accompanying your day dreams. Wherever they take you.
I chose a pretty classic combination for my flavors, orange and cardamom. You can find a basic biscotti dough recipe practically anywhere and add your own flavors depending on what mood you are in. I think a fruit/citrus component (either in or for icing purposes) is really great, but obviously a nice chocolate hazelnut number would hurt nobody. I drizzled mine in an orange juice and powdered sugar icing to emphasize the cirtrus-ey vibe, but do what feels good. I am going to start posting my individual recipes on my website soon, so if you want my specific recipe, it's coming.
Fake it till you make it this week lovely readers. Fantasize and pretend and stand in a truth that may not feel like your own quite yet. Take it, because who is to say you can't?
Comments