I have learned a lot about myself this past year. More than I even wanted to know if we are being honest. It all started when lockdown first happened almost a year ago (which by the way, what?!), I definitely hopped on the train of people who tried to make the most out of this completely traumatic experience by becoming a better version of themselves. Yes, I worked out every day, yes I went on an absurd amount of walks, gratitude journaling? Yep did that. It was a time where we were simply trying to find the goodness in chaos, which I commend us for.
But then lockdown ended. And I'll be honest, a lot of the habits ended with it. And as life kept going, resuming a perceived level of normalcy, I felt untethered. I felt like something had shifted, or maybe come to light throughout lockdown that was now nagging at my spirit. It was a realization of some deeply imbedded hurts, the kind of hurt that wasn't going to be solved by a bubble bath and face mask.
It was a moment of recognizing that there was work to be done, wounds to be healed, forgiveness to be had in places that I hadn't even been aware of. This is a scary place to be sometimes. We like to think that healing and self discovery will be joyous and easy, that we can only go up from here so everything that comes next will leave us feeling good, right?
Healing is beautiful. It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and it is the greatest form of self-love. It is also incredibly hard. Healing and self-discovery means sinking into the darkness for a moment, looking at the parts of yourself you may not love while also grounding yourself in the things that you do. It means staying in it, even when all you want to do is run away. It is not linear, it comes and goes in the most personal and heartbreaking ways.
A year ago I made a decision that I was going to do this thing. Really do it, fully and authentically. Healing to not only appear whole, but to feel whole. The kind of healing that takes time, the kind that hurts, and the kind that brings you into spaces that scare the crap out of you. And in that pursuit I promised to share with people what it was like, and I think so often we hear these stories after the fact, after the healing is over and done and we see these people who are so radiant, but sometimes feel so unattainable.
So, this is it. A year later and still here, completely in awe of the change and progress I've made and also firmly remaining in this space. Trying to stay present in the days that I feel that wholeness innervating my body, and also on the days where my heart aches; feeling every single moment of it. This last year has done a number on all of us, and while this anniversary comes up give your body and mind the allowance to feel that. Take stock of your strength for making it through.
Eat some good food and love yourselves wholeheartedly this week!
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